patience young grasshopper
As I mentioned over on Instagram, I try to journal every Sunday night. I find that it calms me when I can unload all thoughts and feelings from the week prior, and puts me in better place for the week ahead. After creating my most recent entry, I found myself re-reading old journal entries of mine, and I stumbled upon one that read “What I need to accomplish to make me happy.” The first two items on the list were “1) Graduate the APMM program and 2) Move to New York.”
At the time of writing the post [dated August 2018] I had no update on my promotion status and I had no path to New York, so sitting here reading that entry having taken on a new role [better yet, one that focuses on fashion & beauty] in my now West Village apartment is quite surreal.
Yet, however, I can’t help but feel that I want more. [Bear with me.] This may sound silly, but in so many ways my thinking was that if I could accomplish number one and number two on that list, then I’ve made it. And it’ll all be okay. Perfect, if you will. I know, I know, even writing that out makes it seem clearly foolish, but I’m just sharing with you what what was going on in my head, at least at the time.
Here’s where I’ve landed: I think I forgot that transitioning is well, exactly that, a transition. It takes time and isn’t always easy [even when you’re moving back to a city where you’ve spent 18 years and have a natural network to tap into.] It’s certainly not effortless and isn’t always perfect.
While talking about this to my best friend [also happens to be the bf], I realized that a lot of my thoughts and feelings actually mirror those I had I had upon first moving to San Francisco. At the time, I was not only moving cross country to a new city, I was also transitioning from being a student to a full time employee [effectively #adulting in my mind ), and of course starting a new job. And, I’ll tell you, it took some time! I don’t refer to SF feeling like home until this blog post, dated 1 ½ years into my move. I’m not saying that it’ll take the same amount of time to feel settled in New York, but it won’t be overnight [and that’s okay.] I then also remind myself, that not only did I move cross country [again] to a different city, I also started a new job [again].
I want to be honest though, it actually took some time to land on this conclusion- that it’s okay to still not have it all figured out or for everything not to be quite perfect [even though it’s not what I thought it would be in my head.] I know it’s being packaged up as a succinct blog post to you right now but in real life I spent quite some time [basically an entire day] journaling, reading, and watching tv [an episode of planet earth to be exact], all things to distract me from my thoughts or help me better handle them. And before I landed here I found myself quite frustrated and even a little sad.
Because I kept asking what more will it take? [Which then devolved into larger existential crises, of course.] And then the bf affirmed to me that it’s okay [and perfectly healthy] to keep re-evaluating and questioning. It’s all a journey. I just have to remember to be patient.